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The young men you see with cowls over their heads are novice monks sent into the community as volunteers to do charity work and earn the right to wear full monastic ‘habits’. Ask about these habits to break the conversational ice with the notoriously shy youngsters.
W.J. Webster
Deck chairs in St James’s Park are for the use of prostitutes operating under Royal Warrant. They pay a small fee to their ‘attendant’, who will advise any customer how to make an approach.
Every large railway station has a display area commemorating ‘Smith’ (Britain’s commonest surname) providing a wide range of magazines free to bona fide travellers.
D.A. Prince
Overburdened? Leave your rucksack on the Tube and phone later to ask them to drop it off at your hotel. For the last leg of your journey, your cabby will be glad to borrow your A to Z.
Feeling poor? Visit Westminster Abbey and help yourself from the passing plate.
John Plowman
When the Angel of the North takes to the air it is an astonishing sight. If you happen to have missed one of the unscheduled twice-daily flights, you may have to wait for up to six hours for the next, but it’s worth it!
David Silverman
When visiting Northern Ireland on 12 July (Earth Day), feel free to join in a parade, shouting ‘Up the Green Republic!’
John O’Byrne
When seeing a doctor, he’ll be proud to show you his certificates of qualification.
Michael Birt
Those who man ticket windows on railway stations expect you to haggle and will initially quote an absurdly high fare. Offer a quarter of the sum demanded and never go above half.
Keith Norman
English squirrels carry rabies. If you see a squirrel in a public park, the best way to warn others is to point at it and scream.
Chris Weller
The longer the place name, the easier the pronunciation. With names such as Kircudbright, Worcestershire and Machynlleth, just say them exactly as they are spelt and everyone will know where you want to go.
The empty fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square is for foreign visitors to stand on for photo opportunities. There may be some obstruction in place from July onwards, but please do not be deterred.
Juliet Walker
In provincial villages, red cylindrical containers are provided for litter.
Bill Greenwell
Police who stop you for traffic offences always expect a tip.
Josh Ekroy
Aggressive British drunks can always be soothed by asking them Lewis Carroll’s riddle, ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’
J. Seery
When next in a queue at a cash dispenser, do not leave any space between yourself and the person using the machine as it is an invitation for someone to go ahead of you.
Mark Ambrose
In the National Gallery, one is encouraged to get the feel of artistic composition by running one’s fingers over features and figures in the paintings.
Michael Brereton
At a Test match at Lord’s when the umpire gives a batsman out as lbw, shout, ‘He’s offside, ref!’ The other spectators will be highly amused.
Donald Blakeley
No. 2604: Odd couple
Imagine that Graham Greene and J.K. Rowling, or Philip Roth and Edna O’Brien, sat down together to write a book. You are invited to submit a passage from a novel that is the product of a collaboration between two unlikely bedfellows (150 words maximum and please stipulate bedfellows). Entries to ‘Competition 2604’ by 9 July or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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