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9.40 Make sure you vacate the hall before massive snore-athon on public services with Mr Willetts and Mr Lansley. Ladies, if I may make a suggestion, I happen to know Russell & Bromley are holding a Theresa May ‘nasty but nice’ memorial sale across the road — remember, it was in Bournemouth four years ago today she wore ‘those shoes’!
But do get back in good time for The Crime Debate at 11.30 with DD. There won’t be an empty seat in the house as we gather to see whether it’s Train Crash or Triumph. Poppy tells me his theme is an attack on Labour’s ‘short-term tinkering, with policies cobbled together at last minute’. (So a bit like his speech writing then?)
14.15 Should we tax air travel and make flying the preserve of the rich again? A no-brainer, Jed says: ‘Clear the chavs off the flight to St Barts.’ I think that means press the green button on your keypads.
18.40 Meet the candidates with Theresa. Parade of Dave’s babes in full evening wear. Mini interviews with each one as they outline their hopes to achieve world peace etc. Should be v moving. On the fringe, don’t miss ‘Why the Conservatives are still useless’, with Mr Letwin and Mr Bercow. Please note, this is your only chance to see Oliver in action, as he has been ordered by his chakra healer not to wear out any more of his emotional energy centres.
Tuesday
9.10 Caroline Spelman on drink, drugs, violence and Asbos. What a treat! A bit like listening to your favourite aunt swearing.
11.00 Economic competitiveness — inspiring examples of how big businesses solve social problems — extra points to delegates who mention Smythson’s, Nike, Next, Sky and Jura Whisky.
12.45 Gorgeous Gideon on the economy. A heavyweight debate which should head off critics who say we lack depth. Entitled ‘GDP or GWB — you decide!’
14.15 Foreign Affairs with Foxy and Hague. Will be a hoot. A bit like Laurel and Hardy only with more jokes. Hague fans please note, limited number of places available at side of stage if you want to hear his legendary between-sentence humming. (He’s like a generator when he gets going!) Avoid — ‘What Do Women Want?’ with Lord Ashcroft on the fringe. I know the woman from Relate pulled out at the last minute, but this is ridiculous. Instead, why not check out ‘Gay People Under a Conservative Government’, with lovely Margot and no less lovely Mr Boles.
Wednesday
10.20 ‘Eliminating Poverty’ with Andrew Mitchell. Highly recommended. If anyone knows how to eliminate poverty, Andrew does. Just ask his wine broker.
14.00 Wait for it . . . (this is genius) Mr Redwood delivers keynote speech on tax! I know it sounds mad to let him do this, but trust me, it’s a master plan. Will work audience into ecstatic frenzy better than the warm-up comedian we had booked. And he’s cheaper. After half hour of JR, delegates will be in highly suggestive and mesmeric state ready for:
14.30 Dave’s Speech! Can’t say too much about this, obviously, but I am confident that this will get a Number Ten on every scorecard!
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