Diary of Notting Hill Nobody

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  Diary of Notting Hill Nobody

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

Tuesday

Mr Gove’s speech attacking lads’ mags has caused an awful rumpus. Well, it’s not his speech exactly, more a breakdown in Joined-Up Policy Launch Communication Facilitation. OK, so I forgot to clear out all the copies of Nuts and Loaded in our offices. But there are just so many of them. We have to have them delivered to keep an eye on all the photo-shoots Dave is in, not to mention the lists of ‘Top 100 British Babes’, in case any of us girls are in there — we usually are somewhere!

Problem is, they’re not always in the obvious places. I did the Shadow Cabinet room, Leader’s Suite, and Office of the Former Shadow Home Secretary of course. But I forgot there’s a whole pile of Maxims and Zoos (and possibly a Penthouse) under a pouffe in the Tranquillity Room. Luckily, Wonky Tom remembered them just before the party of schoolchildren got to that part of the tour — but it was a close thing. Nigel says we’re lucky we’re not dealing with ‘Nutsgate’.

Wednesday

V confusing morning strategy huddle. Gary says our biggest problem right now is that we can’t decide whether Miliband is good for us, or bad, which is leading to all sorts of conflicting briefing. We need to decide: Do we want coverage which makes Gordon look worse, or better? Do we want to destroy Miliband now, or later?

I put forward the following thesis: On the one hand, we want Gordon to stay because he’s useless. On the other hand, we want Gordon to go, so they have to call an election! On the other hand, we would like to brief against Miliband to make him look like a plonker when he takes over. On the other hand, if we brief against Miliband now he might not take over! On the other hand, maybe we don’t want him to take over.

But Gary didn’t appreciate my theory at all, and just made some trite comment about how I’ve got five hands. Must be one of his chirpy cockney insults.

Thursday

At last, some real progress: We are setting up a unit to decide whether or not we should decide what to do about Miliband now! First meeting of the provisionally entitled Miliband Assessment Division to take place later. Obviously we don’t expect substantive progress because the priority is working out what to call ourselves.

Got back to my desk after working lunch with Poppy on King’s Road to find a memo: Delivery of lads’ mags to continue for ‘monitoring purposes’. Another jolly sensible decision.