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As a general rule it is best to avoid commenting on personal appearances — there has been too much flattery and the currency has been devalued. Yet in this special situation you will have to use a one-off dose of insincerity. It will be important to reassure the transplantee that you have no intention of mocking him. Therefore on greeting him just cry out, ‘Oh, you are looking terribly well! Your lifestyle seems to be suiting you!’ Since hair transplants are often marketed as ‘natural- looking’ and transplantees are self-deluders by nature, your former colleague will feel that the transformation has had the desired effect and that you seem not to have noticed the artifice.
Q. Although it is credit-crunch time for so many people, it is not the case for me. I have no money worries and do not foresee any. My problem is that when I invite friends to stay for the weekend they still feel they must come loaded with chocolates and champagne and new books and things which I know for a fact they can no longer afford. How can I discourage them from bringing presents without seeming patronising or as though I am crowing about my own good fortune?
Name and address withheld
A. I have done some research into your circumstances and see that you live in sprawling acres. Why not commandeer one of your garden pavilions for conversion into a grotto? This would require hundreds of fragments of different patterned china to be wedged tastefully into its walls so that when inviting friends to stay you can beg them to bring any bits of broken china they have lying around. Say, ‘It’s the one thing I am desperate for!’ All households have broken china which they will never get around to mending. It will still feel like a gift, because they are giving something they would have preferred to keep for themselves while gaining the satisfaction of contributing towards a permanent artwork.
Q. I run a high-end eco-guesthouse in Africa. While I can provide our guests with pretty much anything they want, the one area where we fall down is cigars. Our electricity is self-generated and frequent power cuts are the norm. This does not affect our other services but it means a humidor is out of the question. The whole purpose of our eco-retreat is to promote relaxation, yet as an occasional cigar smoker myself I know how irritable one can become if denied this fix. What do you suggest, Mary?
Name and address withheld
A. Having first confounded expectations by saying you do not have a humidor, have the waiter trained to shimmy over and confide that he has his own private supply of cigars, one of which the guest could buy from him. In this way you will be able to provide the service, but not be responsible for the quality. A sense of relief — rather than dissatisfaction — will then be the overriding reaction of the guest.
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