Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 13 June 2009

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  Tamzin Lightwater

  Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 13 June 2009

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

Tuesday

Confusing memo from Dave saying we’re not to be fooled by Gordon’s survival. ‘Remember, the postman always rings twice.’ Not sure what he means but it sounds jolly spooky. He’s also cross about Sir Alan Sugar and how we don’t have any ‘prime-time celebs’. He says we’ve got till the end of the week to persuade Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden to head up a panel on voter apathy.

Should be easier than persuading the Eastern Europeans to join our new Euro grouping. Honestly, I’ve never come across so many rude people. One of them put the phone down on me today. Good job we’ve got till the end of the month to find allies. It’s getting a bit fraught. Tom’s been put in the Austerity Room for making a bad-taste remark about how we should ask the BNP — ‘They’d get on well with that guy we’ve got from Hungary who wants to lock up gypsies.’ As Jed pointed out as Tom was led away, the rise of fascist parties is not a laughing matter and we will be policing all jokes about it.

Wednesday

What fun! We’re having an online charity auction of all the stuff Tory MPs bought on expenses, a sort of Conservative car boot sale! I don’t think I’ve any chance of getting the duck house, way above my price range. But I might bid for the two-seater sofa, complete with leopard-print suedette cushions. All proceeds to a range of good causes including the newly founded ‘Conservatives in Crisis — helping needy MPs to repay their expenses since June 2009’.

Lot of discussion about how Dave should be nice to Gordon at PMQs. We may be the only ones who can save him now and goodness knows it’s in our interest. Trouble is finding something nice to say. Some sort of tribute to his pioneering ideas on scrappage perhaps.

Thursday

Mr Hague rings in from Brussels v stressed. He says a Latvian MEP just punched him in the face. The funny little man — the Latvian, not Mr Hague, obviously — says he was contacted by a Tory official and asked if he and his family would like to take part in a bondage session with other like-minded, free and easy individuals of a transvestite persuasion. Oops! I must get another phrasebook.