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A. It really depends on how the laces looked. Might they have looked a little bit Sir Les Patterson? Might your host have felt the omission was symptomatic of a general lack of respect for himself? Next time this happens why not take a tip from Edward McMillan-Scott, vice president of the European parliament? When, on a recent occasion, he found himself similarly caught short, he employed a pair of polo mints with standard-issue brass butterfly clips plunged through them. The result? Understated elegance for less than five pence.
Q. A close family friend invited my wife (but not me) to her 50th birthday lunch party at a Kensington restaurant. I wasn’t invited, as it was to be a ‘girls only’ affair. A subsequent email from her husband mentioned that ‘guests’ would be asked to contribute £35 towards the cost of the lunch. Towards the end of lunch, attended by a dozen or so ladies, the husband appeared and collected the money as the ‘guests’ left. My wife was unwell but made the effort to attend, eating little and drinking nothing. The lady ahead of her in the queue offered the husband £60, which he readily accepted, and for a moment my wife thought it would be churlish not to follow suit, but rightly feeling that it was a heavy price to pay for a half-eaten bowl of pasta, handed over the aforementioned £35 which the husband swiftly pocketed. I had advised my wife to steer clear of the whole thing in the first place. What would you have done Mary?
Name and address withheld
A. Your wife did well to be loyal despite misgivings. It is not the amount of money ‘guests’ resent parting with on these occasions, but the faint whiff of racketeering with which the heavy-handed ‘host’ can seem to be extracting it. Readers thinking of ‘giving’ similar restaurant parties during the crunch would do better to sidestep their partners and instead enlist a close friend to co-ordinate. Such an independent figure can suggest, as though off their own bat, a surprise lunch to which everyone can contribute. A price-ceiling per head can be agreed. Friends will then enjoy the status of willing co-conspirators rather than victims of a form of chugging. In this way the goodwill quotient will be heightened.
Q. I have a standing invitation to a friend’s idyllic country cottage. Unfortunately there is only one bathroom, and the small window has a notice on it announcing that it should not be opened as house martins are nesting above it. There is no extractor fan. I long to visit but how can I get around this embarrassment?
Name and address withheld
A. You can still visit without stress provided you first identify the nearest pub with public convenience facilities. You can then respond to your peristaltic prompt by popping out ‘to post an urgent letter’.
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