Taki
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My late low-life colleague Jeff Bernard, who I never imagined would be equalled and surpassed by his successor, chronically complained about his ‘acute lexicographitis’, which he defined as an overwhelming desire to cover blank pages with words. I only wish I suffered from AL — but, on the contrary, I am only happy when lying about with absolutely nothing to do.
Mind you, I deliver four columns a month to the Speccie, two in Greece and three in America, plus one in the Quarterly Review in Britain, which makes for two and a half columns every seven days, more than enough to keep me miserable and complaining non-stop about having joined the vulgar working classes. Jeff knocked off his columns at an alarmingly easy rate, mostly between drinks and visits to the pub. I suspect that Jeremy works quite hard on his, although one never knows. If it looks easy, it most likely was tough as hell, and vice versa.
But back to sin. St Augustine believed that all sin springs from a lack of gratitude to God. I ain’t so sure. God has better things to worry about than my feeling proud when I see the types that now surround me here in Gstaad, or my compulsion to lie back and drink Château Lafite until I pass out. Or that now that the deputy editor of The Spectator is married, I daily lust after Rebecca Hall, hoping to trap her in some igloo near here and keep her there for the duration. (It’s the physical imperfections in Rebecca that are driving me mad with desire.) The mother of my children calls me sick, but I’m as healthy as a young horse, and almost as randy.
The real sin, of course, apart from envy and avarice, which I will get to in a moment, is to abstain from things that give us pleasure. I love eating red meat with French fries and drinking a lot of red wine. I smoke. I chase women, however unsuccessfully of late. What’s a poor man supposed to do, anyway? Live like a monk, eat greens all day and never go on one’s yacht? To hell with that. One should take as much pride in one’s sins as one does in one’s virtues, but more so.
In my not-so-limited experience, people who spend their lives in the innocent pursuit of pleasure, such as filling up their lungs with smoke, eating and drinking to excess, chasing the fairer sex and betting on the queen of diamonds, do not elevate themselves above others; they do not try to oppress others; they do not try to make life miserable for others. They are peacefully engaged in ruining their own lives, and what could be a nicer thing to do?
Beware, dear readers, as I am sure you are, of the do-gooder war criminals such as Bush and Blair, or the Arab and Israeli religious zealots who wish to impose their grotesque way of life on happy-go-lucky types such as my low-life colleague and myself. I’ve got news for the ghastly ones. Not in a million years, and no matter how many billions the phony ruling Saudis spend in trying to spread their Wahhabi evil, ditto the Orthodox settlers on the West Bank, will they ever prevail because life is too much fun.
The truly wicked creature of our age is the aggressive practitioner of abstinence. Do not confuse him with the Puritan. The latter denies himself pleasure so as to live a righteous life in the eyes of God. The abstinent denies himself pleasure so as to live a life more righteous than that of his fellow man. Happiness to him is feeling morally superior to others. Just look at the rich Saudi and Kuwaiti filth who come over to us in order to drink and whore, or the Orthodox Jewish bigots who hide behind their religion when they’re caught dealing in drugs or sexually abusing children.
Don Giovanni is viewed as a great sinner, but not in my mind. He should not have killed the Commendatore, but what the hell? Life was cheaper back then. Donna Anna had him confused, or so I like to think. As the prophet may or may not have said, ‘If it weren’t for the wank, there’d be a hell of a lot of rape around.’ There is no excuse for envy and avarice, the two truly deadly sins.
They say that death and taxes are the only two certainties in life. With inheritance taxes, you get both. Now even the once fair Swiss are making noises about inheritance and higher taxes. They are thinking of changing laws in certain cantons in order to strip us of our wealth. Beasts. The state should punish avaricious types, like the Russian crooks and Saudi thieves. Not poor little Taki types. Singapore, here I come!
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