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By linking the Safety App with your Fitbit, your blood pressure can be monitored while you conduct household chores or watch TV. When the App detects that Boris Johnson’s latest Covid announcement is making your blood boil, the App can switch the channel from BBC News to a much-loved episode of ‘All Creatures Great and Small’. In time, the app could filter out harmful programmes containing views that differ from your own and therefore might cause you undue emotional stress.
We easily find ourselves drinking too much. The Safety App can detect the sound of a popping cork or the gentle hiss of a beer cap being removed. If you have reached the government’s permitted alcohol units for the week, Ping!, the App suggests that you have a cup of tea.
If you attend football matches, you are at risk of associating with people who have uneducated opinions. Ping! The App can advise you if you are sitting within two metres of an unsavoury individual. To disassociate yourself from their behaviour, kneel until the App gives you the all-clear. This feature can also be used when accidentally straying into working-class neighbourhoods.
When doing the weekly shop, it is easy to be tempted by unhealthy food choices. Ping! The App can provide simple directions to the aisle containing broccoli and pre-sliced carrots. A Premium version of the App can deliver small electric shocks if you accidentally select the non-organic vegetables or fail to choose the vegan option.
More and more people are shopping without masks and we find it stressful to ask them to cover their face. The App can use facial recognition technology to identify people who are displaying a face to be recognised. Human expressions, like a smile, are microagressions when used by the unmasked. The App can ping the phones of anyone with a visible face and flash ‘Selfish bastard’ on their screen, as a gentle encouragement for them to mask up.
Women in summer dresses are at risk when walking past a building site. The App can warn any woman of the risk of wolf whistles when it detects the distant clang of scaffolding, or a diesel generator. Google Maps will then provide an alternative route to save women from having to hear dangerous phrases like ‘nice dress sweetheart’ or ‘you look bloody gorgeous in that, love’.
Get pinged! Stay Safe.
Also by Andy Shaw
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