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To Lead Travellers Astray
The honey-bee has missed her hive.
The fox has lost his earth.
The blind-mole clambers up above.
The squirrel digs beneath.
The wild-goose circles widdershins.
The swallow does not come.
The homing-pigeon flaps her wings
But does not find her home.
The headless chickens lead the way.
The lemmings follow on.
The sightless kittens go astray.
The light of hope is gone.
The wanderers vanish in the gloom.
A wildfire guides their feet.Their anxious kinsfolk pace the room.
The pretty infants bleat.
Ralph Rochester
Turn the cantrip, three by three,
On my rival interviewee.
May he first have a massive wait
For a crowded train that’s very late,
Which puts him in a dreadful state,
That hot and flustered he will get
And have to sit in pools of sweat;
And just before his turn comes, let
Him spill hot coffee down his tie;
Next, splash the rest upon his thigh,
Making his voice go squeaky-high,
And draining all his confidence,
So all his answers make no sense;
Smite him with noisy flatulence,
Then let a sudden flash of sun
Illuminate his flies undone.
Brian Murdoch
Vanishing Cream
(a spell to make a teacher disappear)
Hocus pocus, stalk of crocus,
Eye of moke that’s out of focus,
Tongue of lizard, hair of wizard
Minced up with a turkey’s gizzard —
Stir the brew and let it stew.
Cook it through till it turns blue.
Round it dance till in a trance,
Then advance with ghastly chants.
Paste it thinly on our books
So that when she comes and looks
She’ll inhale the noxious fume,
Disappearing from the room.
Dorothy Pope
Let a pheasant’s blood congeal
With the brains of baby seal;
Add the claws of dancing bear
To the hind legs of a hare;
Stir them in the cauldron’s spawn
With the guts of slaughtered fawn,
Frightened rabbit’s ears that quiver,
Wing of grouse and goose’s liver,
Broken beaks of fighting cocks,
And the head of hunted fox;
Let them bubble, twist and squeak
Like the hearts of those that seek
To disrupt with raucous hoots
Hunters in their old pursuits.
In the weaving of this spell
May they feel the curse of hell.
Frank Mc Donald
Squeak of bat and bark of dog,
Hoot of owl and howl of cat,
Hiss of snake and croak of frog,
Caw of crow and snarl of rat,
Whine of wasp and buzz of bee,
And a hungry buzzard’s cry,
Burn them all on a CD,
Edit, mix and amplify.
Then beneath a tamarisk
At midnight on the first of May
Play your tweaked, eclectic disk
Loud and long till break of day,
Wishing all the while for what
Would make your happiness complete.
It will happen, or, if not,
Wait a year and then repeat.
G.M. Davis
O sweet satanic ladies,
A favour I entreat:
Kindly turn my husband
He just slobs around all day;
Damsels of the darkness,
Make him edible, I pray.
When he isn’t in the house
He simply disappears;
Time to make a meal of him —
Prepare the feast, my dears,
And not because I fancy him
(He rarely turns me on),
But if I scoff the bugger
I’ll at least know where he’s gone.
Mike Morrison
No. 2398: XI plus extra man
You are invited to write an entertaining piece of prose (maximum 150 words) incorporating in any order the following cricketing terms, but using them in a non-cricketing sense: bat, Chinaman, swinger, maiden, stump, duck, nightwatchman, slip, bouncer, hook, sweep, appeal. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2398’ by 23 June.
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