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Sir: Zeus maintains that I swindled him out of his share of an ox, recently sacrificed during one of our less controversial ceremonies. In consequence, he chose to deny mankind the benefit of fire.
Altruistically, and in good faith, I borrowed a portion of said element from Vulcan, a renowned specialist in the field of pyrotechnology. For my troubles, Zeus petulantly chained me to Mount Caucasus, where I sustained the following injuries: a) serious lumbar disfigurement, caused by abnormal splaying; b) chronic liver damage, the result of relentless eagle abuse; c) melanoma; d) stress.
The fact that Hercules released me, as part of his Twelve Labours rehabilitation programme, is immaterial; I have suffered indignity, physical torment and career disruption. Accordingly, I claim compensation for a liver transplant, long-term physiotherapy, day care and counselling.
Kindly confirm that my policy remains unaffected as regards Fire and Theft.
Sincerely, Prometheus
Mike Morrison
Sir, By the grace of God I was delivered, in the Year of our Lord 1659, from a most calamitous shipwreck, in which all my companions died. I lived for four and twenty years thereafter upon a deserted island, miserable and abandoned. Ere that I had been a prosperous plantation owner and trader of slaves but, because of my exile, I was not given equal opportunities with other merchants to get wealth. My soul also was greatly afflicted since, by being forced to kill goats for sustenance, I was denied my human right to eat only vegetables.
I therefore instruct you, Sir, to claim from the ship’s owners recompense of one hundred thousand pounds sterling for my loss of revenue and for my soul’s distress, for I perceive that they should have warned me ere I set sail of the risk to my health and safety.
I remain, R. Crusoe
Virginia Price Evans
Dear Storyline Insurance, Re. fall from horse, January, on confoundedly icy road between Hay and Millcote, resulting in sprained ankle with subsequent incapacity and call-out of local surgeon (bill attached). I also wish to claim for a bruised ego under policy clause Romantic Heroes (Sensibilities): viz on my first entrance in the narrative, I appear to a damnable disadvantage before an impressionable young lady (subsequently discovered to be in my employment) and thousands of female readers. Just when a masterful character impressively seated in the saddle needs to make a favourable impact, I find myself, at an authorial whim, on my backside in the road and relying upon the assistance of a slip of a girl.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly,
Yours sincerely, Edward Rochester
P.S. I am taking this opportunity to enclose a cheque to cover the annual premium for Fire Insurance on Thornfield Hall.
Derek Morgan
Dear Sir, Your client Mr Sauron of Mordor, through culpable negligence, permitted his Ring to remain unattended in the Anduin River where I happened upon it while fishing. Notwithstanding its immense power, Mr Sauron failed to furnish the Ring with instructional or warning notices, failing to observe either word or spirit of Health & Safety legislation and abdicating his duty of care to other Ringbearers, causing me to perceive no risk when trying it on. The psychological and physical changes brought about by this act — my body has become etiolated, my personality split — are entirely the responsibility of Mr Sauron, whose subsequent strenuous attempts to regain possession of said Ring attest to his belated sense of guilt. Though no longer in possession of the Ring, I should say that I am acting in a consultative capacity to Mr Frodo Baggins of the Shire who is contemplating similar action.
Gollum
Adrian Fry
Sparing the blood-boltered details, this is the story. A bungs B a family heirloom, a bloated sort of vase hideous to the untrained eye but declared priceless. B stows it in a protective alcove. Enter C, keen to demonstrate how to play a niblick shot from a restricted lie. The perfect arc of C’s backswing is interrupted by a twiddly bit on said vase. The vase soldiers on but the twiddly bit will never twiddle again. Passing over C as a fat-headed chump of the first water, I can reveal that B is the undersigned and A my Aunt Agatha. I imagine a look of sympathetic horror wringing your features. As a desperate man, I ask only that you slip me enough to pay a chappie to replace the twiddle. My aunt would be saved from apoplexy and I should be as the lark ascending.
Yours etc., Bertram W. Wooster
W.J. Webster
No. 2548: Hot property
You are invited to submit sales particulars for a property well known in literature — Dotheboys Hall, Macbeth’s Castle — in your best estate-agent-ese. Maximum 150 words. Entries to ‘Competition 2548’ by 5 June or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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