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The first four winners, printed below, get £25 each; the rest earn £10 apiece.
Ecotists: they are dedicated to looking after number one at all costs, number one being their blinding group vision of the needs of the environment; their basic aim is to stop everything except the sun, wind and waves.
Exurbanites: with a philosophy largely based on fresh air, they are determined both to leave the city and to leapfrog suburbia. This leaves them either commuting soul-destroying distances or undertaking some non-viable rural project beyond their townie capabilities.
Golden silvers: whether through careful planning or, more likely, lucky financial timing, these pensioners have a comfortable income, most of it readily disposable as their mortgages and other commitments have been paid off; they keep many a cruise ship afloat.
W.J. Webster
TWIT: acronym for Twerp With Insufficient Testosterone. This subspecies is pathologically incapable of controlling the transmission of the fatuous minutiae of his (predominantly) sorry little life. One actual example will serve to illustrate the condition: ‘Guess wot every 1 my ink cartridge has just run out.’ Recipients’ replies included, ‘Well, run after it then,’ and ‘Buy another one, pillock!’ Banality redefined. Also used as a verb; past tense twat.
Txtmaniak: thought to be a precursor to the Twit (q.v.) Another instance of the techno-moron/desperate attention-seeker. The Bill-No-Mates de nos jours requires no encouragement to fire off infantile observations and queries to all and sundry. The import of the text is often unfathomable, owing to the quirky system of abbreviations adopted by the sender. Less a message, more a cri de coeur.
Mike Morrison
Caco: term of mild derision for one who loyally pays his ever-increasing taxes without any attempt at avoidance; hence one socially excluded through poverty, who thus acronymically Can’t Afford the Clapham Omnibus.
Algy: one who resists pressure to convert to Mandarin, despite its obvious universal advantages. The term is derived from Nostalgia, a foolish attachment to obsolete forms and usages.
Grater: one who clings to the notion that the Great in Great Britain denotes importance (‘let’s put the Great back in Great Britain’, etc.) however often it is pointed out that it was never more than a geographical term, and should have been a comparative in any case.
Shammy: an adroit person who always comes out on top of whichever combination of political parties is temporarily in office. Probably derived from Chamois, an animal sure-footed in high, rocky terrain, though perhaps also from Sham, a deceit.
Noel Petty
Beezes: though anywhere in the range from seriously to grotesquely overweight, they, while not necessarily proud of their excess size, make no attempt to conceal it. They wear tightly belted trousers, allowing rolls of flesh to bulge below and escape above. Female Beezes wear low-cut, revealing tops and, if not trousered like the males, ultra-short mini-skirts giving views of huge thighs, bare or clad in black tights or fluorescent leggings. Hair is long and often garishly coloured, except where, with males, baldness threatens, in which case fat heads are shaved to match massive jowls. Beezes are cheerful snackers.
Gillian Ewing
Appy Clappers: techno-addicts recognisable by their inability to look up, and their compulsion to add recherché applications to hand-held gadgets, e.g., volcanic ash detector, stethoscope, kebab-shop locator, E-number decoder.
Bill Greenwell
Costaways: teenage students on pointless, impractical and unprofitable university or college courses living independently from parents whilst being dependent upon them for books, bar bills, clothes, debts, emergencies, entertainment, transport, and free accommodation when residing at home.
Alan Millard
Young Hortipolitans: young/youngish city dwellers who have recently acquired an allotment or are on a waiting list for one; a subgroup of the Watering Classes.
Non-Secateurs: those uninterested in joining the gardening bandwagon.
Saturated Fats: overweight binge-drinkers
Patrick Smith
No. 2650: Bible bashing
You are invited to submit a letter from a publisher rejecting the Book of Genesis or Revelation (150 words maximum). Entries should be submitted by email, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 2 June.
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