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Dear Sir/Madam, having considered the attributes required for your vacancy (sensitivity, youthful appearance, unobtrusive manner, non-threatening presence, ability to listen empathetically and attentively to others without interrupting or imposing one’s own views, etc.) I have no hesitation in applying for the post of Counsellor. Indeed, I was recently privileged to counsel a wedding guest who was clearly dumbfounded by my performance. My experience to date is astounding and too involved to be included here. Suffice to say, I have travelled the world and learned much which I shall gladly reveal in gripping and graphic detail when interviewed. If you should appoint me, and pray heaven you will, I swear by my glittering eye neither you nor your clients will ever regret having me on board. As God is my witness, I am your man! Hear me out and I shall serve you well.
Interminably yours, The Ancient Mariner.
Alan Millard
Dear Sir (I’m no poof, mind), See your vacancy for council Diversity Officer? Frank Begbie’s your answer if you know what’s good for ye. My CV’s with Edinburgh polis, but I promise you I’m very hands on. Black, yellow or sky blue pink, I dish it out without prejudice. As for ‘championing disability’, a man who’s created as many disabled as I have has proved his credentials, right? Ye’ve no worries on social exclusion either; a few ‘words’ from Franco and you’ll no see them bru scrounging druggie scum hereabouts again. As for multicultural awareness, I like a dog vindaloo as much as the next man, but I’m cosmopolitan enough to know to wash it down with Stella Artois, nae that Indian pish. You request an example of proactive engagement; look at me funny and I’ll glass ye before further unpleasantness can occur. Screw the formalities, I start Monday. Okay?
Begbie (from Trainspotting).
Adrian Fry
I take the liberty of writing with respect to the advertisement for a Financial Administrator at your charitable institution. I must confess, in all humbleness, that I am possessed of no high qualifications. The small advancement I have made in my profession is due in part to my own patient, honest toil but in greater measure to the hand of merciful charity which has raised me from the lowliest of stations. I know what it is to be poor, to be fatherless, to be humble. That is the hard-won knowledge I would bring to my duties. The upturned hands of those waiting to receive your benison might be my hands, and the sole object of my unceasing labours on their behalf would be to earn from them just such gratefulness as I owe to my benefactor and present employer, Mr Wickfield, whose recommendation I should be glad to furnish, if required.
I am, sir, your most humble servant. U. Heep.
W.J. Webster
Joseph from Wuthering Heights applies to be an elocution teacher:
Maisters, They’s gooid-for-naught gaumless fowks that’s niver spooken t’Quean’s English, and mun gi’e offence tah t’lugs of all what lissens to ’em, and get war and war. Soa now I’s asking yah t’sarve an arn my bite wi’ taiching ’em spaking an pranuncing vahls an t’loike. Sooin I’ll hae t’ flaysome nowts wi’ dacent tongues i’ they heaids — and spaking raight, all on ’em, not rubbidge. They’s noan taicher as is loike myseln. Be th’ time I’s done, they sall nobbut knaw aught but makking proper sahns wi’ they gobs. Proper dainty, summut loike Har Maijesty, in three wicks. Wah! ‘I am desirous, sir, that you have a fair conjecture of what is amiss, if I may beg your pardon.’ I’s heard ’em, dunnut be ’feard. They mun quoit my speach, I hev heard ’em, an can quoit th’ words as they spake. Ask in Gimmerton, yah sall find soa.
Bill Greenwell
Dear Sir, Following your advertisement for Secretary of the Mozart Appreciation Society, I would like to apply for the post.
At local community level I have been a leading critic of amateur performances of the sonatas, fugues, minuets, etc, etc, and have honed my skills extensively in the field. My renderings in the early hours of the A Minor Recorder Concerto is also a byword in these parts. My enthusiasm for impromptu chamber music sessions, as evidenced by my rather moving ‘Mad Maestro’ facial expression, is also widely acknowledged to be second to none. I think ‘outreach’ is very important, particularly in less formal venues such as local hostelries and after-hours drinking clubs. I have been in the forefront of this vital new trend, often for extended periods of time.
My referee, Professor Welch, (address supplied) will be pleased to corroborate this.
Yours in the Wolfgang, Jim Dixon.
Josh Ekroy
No. 2570: Lyric poetry
You are invited to take any song by the Beatles or by Elvis Presley and rewrite it in the style of the poet of your choice (16 lines maximum and please identify poet). Entries to ‘Competition 2570’ by 6 November or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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