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Q. An elderly cousin kindly offered to take me to dinner at a restaurant of my choice. Since I have an ‘in’ at the Ivy, I got us a table there. My cousin arrived before me and was therefore already sitting on the banquette so that he could look out for me. As he stood up to greet me he failed to usher me into the banquette seat and I realised he was unaware of the special Ivy protocol. Although the banquette may be less comfortable, it is nevertheless the lady’s prerogative that she should sit there so she can view the celebrities. I tried to hint that this was the case but he is slightly deaf so I was unable to whisper. I could not very well bellow out that I wanted to sit on the banquette so I could covertly observe the celebrities at the next table who, incidentally, included Sir Ian McKellen and Sting. As a consequence I felt frustrated throughout the dinner. How could I tactfully have asked my cousin to change places, Mary, given that he might well have been offended that I clearly did not intend to concentrate fully on what he was saying?
Name and address withheld
A. On arrival you should have grasped the nettle and openly manhandled him into the position you preferred him in, gushing as you did so, ‘I insist you don’t sit on the banquette. It’s kind of you to sacrifice the comfortable seat for me but paradoxically my back far prefers a banquette! I’m in agony when I sit on normal chairs!’
Q. I want to keep our local post office open but the postmistress always slides the stamps sticky side down over the counter which means, of course, that if I lick them I will pick up the germs of every other person in the village who has handed things through the hatch. How can I tactfully point this out?
Name and address withheld
A. Next time let her view you ostentatiously licking the top right hand corner of a series of envelopes rather than the stamps themselves. The penny may drop.
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