Already a subscriber? Log in
A. Why not use the word ‘lubricant’? The products to which you refer are, technically, lubricants, and when you have guests they will enjoy laughing at your use of this term.
Q. I have just been on a cruise from Venice to South America. At dinner one evening, a waiter came up to our table. He asked one person (a woman sitting opposite my wife) if she had ordered a cup of coffee. The answer was no. Then very quickly, he appeared to slip so that the coffee and cup were projected towards my wife’s bosom. She reeled backwards but no mess appeared. The waiter vanished. Someone said this was a ‘joke’ cup. My wife was shocked by the event and I became cross when I realised what had happened. We talked about moving to another dining room but decided to stick it out until the end of the cruise. At the end I made comments to the management, saying I had never seen such rudeness and there might have been an accident. What would you have done in this situation?
D.F.C., Driffield, East Yorkshire
A. Clearly you have had time on your hands and have been brooding. The outrage was relatively small-time, but nevertheless, the waiter did tease someone from a health-risk age group. Write to the cruise company, giving a full description, in jocular tones, of the prank, the waiter involved and the shock that your (insert age) wife underwent. Express your desire to purchase some similar joke coffee cups for the purpose of teasing friends. Can someone kindly put you in touch with a supplier? The cruise company’s insurers will step in to ensure punishment is meted out.
Q. I have been living on a Greek island, married to a well-known local man, for nearly 40 years. All has been well until recently when he started to lose his eyesight. When we venture down the street, friends and acquaintances approach and start chatting. My husband immediately turns to me to ask who they are. All these years I have got away with not knowing, nor having to remember their (sometimes unpronounceable) Greek names, though they think I know them well. Can you find a way of getting them to say their full name to him (Spiros or Spiridula not sufficient) to avoid the embarrassment of my having to ask them?
Name and address withheld
A. Train your husband so that when you squeeze his arm in a certain way and say, ‘Darling, it’s your old friend!’, he waits for the approaching person to say something. To this he can retort, ‘I know that voice so well. Who are you?’ Smile benignly while they answer.
Also in Society
Also by Mary Killen
Latest
Comments
Join the debate for just $5 for 3 months
Be part of the conversation with other Spectator readers by getting your first three months for $5.
UNLOCK ACCESS Just $5 for 3 monthsAlready a subscriber? Log in