Dear Mary… | 15 July 2006

Q. I read your ‘In the Chair’ Q&As in the online edition of The Spectator with interest. In this session you mentioned a dilemma of your own. You told of how your own good manners had once been compromised by your reluctance to dilute a conversation with the great Auberon Waugh by having to introduce hovering friends. I have a similar problem at parties. I am a close friend of an internationally famous actor. Occasionally we meet up at semi-public events, but I am never able to exchange more than a couple of sentences with him before a host of people, some of whom I hardly know, are queueing up on the pretext of wanting to talk to me, but really so I can introduce them to him. How can I get ‘quality time’ with my friend on these sorts of occasions? I feel guilty at having to introduce him to so many people. I wonder whether, with the benefit of hindsight, you are now equipped to advise me on this?

Name and address withheld

A. Some of the most successful socialisers are those who have honed the skill of focusing intensely on the person to whom they are talking. Admirers report: ‘He/she is so attractive. He/she makes you feel you are the only person in the room.’ This ego-boosting technique has the double benefit of deterring would-be encroachers since, if they cannot catch one’s eye, they cannot move in without seeming to be barging in. However, it is unrealistic to expect to spend any quality time with such a quality friend at a public event. He certainly would not expect it to be possible and almost certainly enjoys the reassurance of meeting so many fans. You can only hope to do this in the more intimate surroundings of a private house.

Q. A student friend is something of a genius. He has everything going for him but also one major character flaw. The moment he gets his student loan, or indeed any sum of money, he spends it instantly. He is far too generous and will, for example, spend £500 taking everyone out to supper and then have to eat toast for a month. Although it is term-time he has been combining his studies with work as a researcher for a friend of my parents. Soon he will receive a cheque for roughly £2,000 for this work. I know he is going to blow it within a week. What can I do to help him?

D.A., Illmington, Warwickshire

A. Since you say he is generous, why not plead an imaginary financial emergency which requires at least £1,000 to be credited instantly to your own bank account. Say you will be able to pay him back in dribs and drabs. Then set up a standing order to reimburse him at the rate of £100 a week.

Q. May I pass on a tip to readers? I recently visited Ethiopia, travelling by public transport and carrying a backpack. Even when staying in sweaty youth hostels I need scent to make me feel presentable, but a glass bottle would be impractical. Instead I ripped out the sampler-sized sachets of scent from a pile of glossy magazines lying around my office and used one or two per day. I found them to be perfectly potent and I enjoyed ringing the changes.

D.H., New York

A. Thank you for this useful tip.