Q. I am of an age when I’m invited to coming-of-age parties for my friends’ children. As several of them are well-heeled and the children over-indulged, it has become customary to buy very lavish gifts, which I find ostentatious and can ill afford. I like attending these functions, and relish the opportunity to catch up with old friends. So I devised a trick: I write a thoughtful card, stick a piece of sticky tape to it and then artfully attach a ripped piece of wrapping paper. On arrival, I slip my card among the groaning pile of gifts. To date there have been no repercussions. I hope that the sentiments of the card have been appreciated and the accidental detachment from the gift has been glossed over. My quandary — should I decline these invitations, or do you consider my ruse to be harmless?
Name withheld, London
A. Your ruse is not harmless because it will produce low-level disquiet. The recipient of the label may be too spoiled to care whether or not a present has gone missing but the parents will fret. Just turn up empty-handed and be brazen about it. Say you thought the best present you could give was no present, and say it with conviction because in most cases it will be quite true.
Q. I was recently sitting with two acquaintances who suddenly broke into an Arabic conversation with each other, although everyone present spoke perfect French and English. Would you agree that this is a particularly rude way to conduct oneself when in polite company? I have experienced this on several occasion and when I am with close friends I have no qualms about making my feelings heard. The question is what should I have done with these acquaintances?
A.G.B., London W8
A. Yes it is rude to do this, and particularly so when there are just three people present. What you should have done was to theatrically crane your neck and cock your ear saying, ‘Do you mind if I listen in? I’m trying to learn Arabic. Or are you having a private conversation?’
Q. Many of my male acquaintances have adopted a type of metrosexual greeting where the traditional handshake has been replaced by a Soviet bear-hug. I find this awkward especially when cheek-kissing is also involved. How can I discourage these advances without seeming old-fashioned or emotionally repressed?
G.W., Marlborough, Wiltshire
A. Spearhead a new type of greeting to unnerve the bear-huggers. Advance towards greetees with both your arms fully outstretched but with the hands joined together in prayer mode. In this way you will signal a type of Oriental submission despite the fact that you are using your arms as a barrier to fend off invasions of your personal space. Confuse them further by performing sedate rhythmic head-nodding during the greeting procedure.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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