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Q. I would be quite happy never to go out to dinner again — especially now the summer nights are lengthening — but my wife works from home and always wants to accept invitations since she sees no one all day. I would not mind if the dinner parties we went to were not so formal, but in this neck of the woods they tend to be, and I dread sitting upright at a table for hours at a time. Often the woman who has given the dinner party tends to relax at the end of it and forget all about the coffee which, of course, is the cue for everyone to move to softer seating and from there it is easier to escape to home. Is there a way in which one can remind a hostess that it is time for coffee without appearing to be bossy or a control freak?
Name withheld, West Lothian
A. When you arrive at these dinner parties tell your hostess that you really admire her for having had the energy to give it and you absolutely insist on doing something to help. She will invariably reply, ‘It’s all done, just relax and enjoy yourself.’ To which you can reply, ‘No. I insist. I’ll tell you what. I’ll be in charge of making the coffee at the end, how about that? That means you can relax after pudding.’ She will not only be grateful to you but is unlikely to suspect your motive.
Q. I have a number of friends in common with another man but we are not particularly good friends with each other. He is exceptionally tall — I am about six inches shorter. Whenever we are at the same party he always greets me by coming up suddenly and ruffling my hair. Perhaps this is meant to come across as affectionate jostling but it makes me want to punch him. I have asked him not to do this in the past but he still carries on. Any suggestions?
Name and address withheld
A. Experiment with hair modelling wax until you find a brand which makes no visible difference to your hair’s appearance but leaves a slimy residue on the hands which have applied it. Your friend of a friend — whose ‘jostling’ is more likely to be passive aggression — will then face the consequences since all glasses will slip out of his hands until he has gone to a cloakroom and given them a thorough washing.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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