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A. Bring a wet suit and swim in that, claiming you are extra sensitive to cold.
Q. I recently attended the evening reception that followed the wedding of a male ex-colleague. On the way I picked up a bottle of champagne as a gift, but when I arrived I found that there was no obvious opportunity to present it. Both bride and groom were perpetually surrounded by well-wishers and, furthermore, everyone was already drinking champagne so my poor bottle seemed a bit pointless. I could only stay an hour, so I decided to take it away with me and give it to my friend after the honeymoon instead. As the weeks have gone by, however, it is clear that he has no idea whether any of the evening guests brought gifts, and seems entirely unconcerned in any case. My girlfriend, who adores champagne, is now eyeing the bottle pointedly, and I can’t help feeling that my best interests might now be served by removing the gift label and redeploying the bottle for domestic use. What would you advise?
T., Liverpool
A. Your disquiet is understandable. If you and your girlfriend drink the bottle you will be giving yourselves an unmerited treat at the expense of the deserving intended recipients. On the other hand, your girlfriend has been maddened, like a housemaid with a Tantalus, for long enough. You must now allow her to drink the champagne, but only once your conscience has been cleared. Before popping the cork you must first telephone the colleague and set a date for him to celebrate his wedding by drinking champagne with you — your treat. Too bad if it costs you double or even treble what you originally intended to spend. The peace of mind will be worth it.
Q. I recently helped my neighbours with some drastic pruning of a huge tree which overshadowed our garden. There was a certain amount of self-interest here, because its leaves blocked our sunlight and quite often our gutters. However, the tree-lopping has been greeted as an astounding act of neighbourliness, as if I put my life in danger by climbing the tree for their benefit. Now they say they’d like to take my wife and me to a restaurant of our choice. This would be taking neighbourliness too far in my opinion. How do I get out of it?
J.O., London W8
A. Having probed you further by telephone I learn that your reticence is linked to fear that the relationship may move forward from neighbourliness to friendship. There is a way in which you could enable your neighbour to discharge the debt of gratitude he imagines he owes to you within a socialising context, yet still keeping them at arm’s length. Explain that what you would really love is drinks rather than dinner. You and your wife would like to bring along two friends who are thinking of moving to the neighbourhood so you could all discuss its merits together. It is then a simple matter of trawling your database to find friends who a) you need to ‘work off’; and b) might feasibly want to move into your area. Bring them along on the night. In this way you will dilute the company and prevent the neighbours from becoming any more intimate with you.
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