Dear Mary… | 22 July 2006

Q. I have a small problem with vanity. I have made a successful application to join a specialist library where I can work in peace almost every day of the week and have access to an unrivalled set of references on my subject. I am aware that this is a privilege. However, because of the rarity of the collection, members are required to carry at all times photo ID, supplied by the library itself using its own machine to take the photograph. These famously unflattering photographs are sealed permanently into tamper-proof lamination, and updated only every seven years. A friend who is a member even says that having to brandish an off-putting photograph of herself every day (and hide the photograph each time she opens her wallet outside the library) has contributed to her low-grade depression and I dread the same thing happening to me. I do not look good in photographs unless the lighting is right, which it won’t be, so what can I do, Mary? I must shortly present myself at the photo-desk.
R.G., London NW1

A. Simply find a photograph of yourself which you do like. Have this blown up on a colour copier to life-size and spraymount it on to cardboard. Holding this next to your own face to confirm the likeness, ask the staff at the library to take a photo of the photograph instead of one of your face.

Q. I have a holiday job in a bookshop. I work alongside a girl of my age who seems to share many of my interests and with whom I have had many excellent conversations. This girl is also lovely and I would like her to be my girlfriend. The trouble is that she already has a boyfriend and she is a loyal sort of person but, to put it bluntly, both in appearance and intellectually he is a poor man’s version of me. I am confused about the concept of chivalry. If she is already in a relationship, is it wrong of me to try to break it up? Or is another part of chivalry running at one’s rivals with poles? How should I proceed?
K.N., Oxford

A. All is fair in love and war, but you should let the girl make the decision for you. You can test the waters in the following way. Think of one of your friends with whom this girl would also be mentally compatible. Then say, ‘You and your boyfriend should meet my friend B. The two of you would get on really well. I’m going to invite him to supper next week. Tell me which days you and your boyfriend are both free and I will ask B when he is free.’ She will report back, ‘We are both free on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but sadly my boyfriend cannot come on Thursday.’ To which you can reply, ‘Oh what a shame. That’s the only day that B is free.’ If she says she will come on her own, then you know it is safe to make your feelings known. If she says, ‘Let’s wait until we can find a day that we are all free,’ then you must hold off for longer. However if, as you say, her boyfriend is a poor man’s version of you, then you should not have that long to wait.

Q. What snacks are fashionable and healthy but also slimming?
N.G., London SW3

A. Rice cakes lightly spread with low-fat cream cheese and Manuka honey.