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Q. A friend of mine arranges an annual walk each year on the Sunday of the Mayday Bank Holiday for her birthday, often of up to 30 friends of mixed ages. We then have a delicious and congenial lunch at her house. I have been asked again, and have accepted, but today two old friends from another part of the country have told me they will be at a memorial service in a local town the Friday preceding that weekend. Naturally I have asked them to stay for the whole weekend as I do not see them that often. I explained to them about the walk, and said I would ask my hostess if they could come. In the past the hostess has been generous and expansive over numbers, but this time she has explained that there are too many people already for the walk and the lunch, and since she has been so good in the past, I have accepted this. However my two friends are rather touchy and have made me feel that I should pull out of the walk altogether, which I certainly do not want to do. I was on the verge of agreeing, then I remembered having years ago waited outside their own house in the West Country after a long drive, for them to return from a local wedding of someone I also knew — there was no question on that occasion of them asking me to go along. What should I do over the walk? I am very keen to go.
E.S., Sussex
A. Do not allow these friends to browbeat you. Simply call on their own past experience of how difficult these matters are by reminding them of the wedding incident where you underwent a similar sense of exclusion. ‘At least you will be able to keep warm and comfortable in my house while you wait for me to come back,’ you can smile compassionately.
Q. On a train the other day the man sitting next to me had an alarm on his mobile which maddeningly went off every five minutes, yet he slept through it. It was a nonstop train so there was no question of his missing his stop, but how could I have woken him without physical contact?
M.W., Wiltshire
A. You should have raised the volume of the alarm by setting your own ring simultaneously.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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