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A. Even in Australia such a notice would be too explicit. Instead, arrange to receive a telephone call from a friend posing as a plumber shortly after the youth and girl next arrive to stay. Take the call in front of them, in full irritable mode. Say things like ‘When can you come and clear it? How much will it cost?’ and so on. When you hang up, explain that you have just had some Americans to stay, ranting ‘Americans simply will not understand that when you have a septic tank it won’t accept anything other than human waste and a tiny amount of loo paper and that if they want to dispose of anything else, they must wrap it up and put it in with the ordinary rubbish!’
Q. My parents have hosted my cousin’s children at their country estate for the last two summers at an enormous cost to them — four weeks one summer and five weeks the other. Bizarrely they (my parents) have not had a word of thanks for their generous efforts from my cousin. Not a peep! How do I advocate for my parents and get my selfish cousin to do the right thing and say thank you and not make a muck of my parents lavish intentions and actions?
S.A.C., London
A. Find an appropriate present such as a wonderful double-ply cashmere blanket and have it delivered to your parents without an enclosing note. They will assume it is from your cousin and will ring and write to thank him or her. This will put your cousins on the spot. They will have to admit that they did not send the present, but your parents’ assumption that they did should shame them into admitting to themselves that, perhaps, they should not have been so presumptuous. Later you can step forward announcing that the present is from you — you had forgotten about it since you ordered it so long ago.
Q. I have a close friend of whom I am very fond, but who has the unfortunate habit of perpetual name-dropping. She is intelligent, highly educated, rich and well-connected, but it seems is still socially insecure. If she finds herself in a milieu she is not quite at home in — for example, among people she views as either above or below what she sees as her social station — she name drops dreadfully. This is an embarrassment to her family and close friends as it makes her look either pretentious or patronising. She really has no need to boost her own sense of worth in this way. Can you suggest a kind and tactful way of curing her of this habit?
Name and address withheld
A. When you are arranging to meet her next, say, ‘It will be lovely to see you but don’t bother to bring your autograph book — there won’t be any big names there.’ This will give her pause for thought.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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