Mary Killen
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A. Yes, but first let’s look at the likely reasons for her failure to reciprocate. One: you have a large, beautiful house, whereas she has a small grotty one and wrongly assumes you would not want a return match. Two: secretly her house is stuffed with treasures. People would talk if they saw them so she keeps them out for security reasons. Three: she is neurotic about money or mad. However, if she did not enjoy your company she would not continue to accept your invitations, and you presumably must enjoy hers? You might solve the mystery by seating her next to a plant who confides, ‘I love coming here, but I do feel guilty because I never have them back. How about you?’
Q. I am going down to Bristol to help organise my younger brother’s birthday party and cook for it. It has got to be a ‘bring a bottle’ party but I would like to stop his student friends from bringing quantity rather than quality. Is it acceptable to say on the (emailed) invitation ‘bring a (reasonable quality) bottle’?
— G.N.P., Norwich
A. No. This would alienate the chippy. Simply achieve the desired results by lethargy selling. Email guests to announce they will be spared the nuisance of shopping for a bottle because they will be able to buy a bottle of your brother’s favourite wine (or beer) on the door. As it is his birthday it is not unreasonable to suggest his wishes should be indulged. Then buy in quantities of an acceptable wine/beer on sale or return and sell it to the guests at cost when they arrive. Student guests may be initially resentful, but they will very soon come round to the convenience and control this formula allows (holding their own bottle, etc), to say nothing of the health benefits.
Q. We have done our best to bring up our children to be well-mannered, but the wheels seem to have fallen off. ‘Please may I have?’ has been replaced by ‘Can I get?’, ‘Thank you’ by ‘Cheers’ and ‘Good morning’ by ‘Hi mate’. Any suggestions?
— W.M., Yorkshire
A. Cure them by the Pavlovian technique of pretending not to have heard their teenspeak. Wait till they repeat the comment/question in a louder voice before saying, ‘Oh — you are talking to me… I thought there must be another child in the room. Just remind me what that means again?’ They will soon tire of having to ask for what they want three or four times.
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