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A. Simply shudder with shared revulsion as you hand the plastic packaging over to the porter. Remark that he’ll have to help you out since, in all of your 70 years of banquet attendance, this is the first occasion you have called on Moss Bros and are unfamiliar with the procedure for returning the borrowed goods. Can he arrange to do this for you in the morning? Do not enlarge further.
Q. My extremely kind father-in-law has extended his usual invitation to his daughter and myself to join him at his house in Ireland for a summer holiday. Traditionally this jaunt includes a couple of visits to an excellent (though by no means inexpensive) restaurant in the locality where he treats us handsomely. Unfortunately, during our last visit a new smoking ban drove my father-in-law outside for his customary post-prandial cigar. Inevitably the bill for our party was presented during his absence and this I felt obliged to settle without demur. So boundless is his own hospitality that — in a phenomenon common among the properly rich — he barely noticed that the bill had been settled by an unidentified third party. I hear he is still smoking cigars and, although it may seem miserly, my own limited resources prevent my matching his generosity again this summer. What should I do?
Name and address withheld
A. You must take up post-prandial cigar-smoking yourself for the duration of your visit. By ensuring that your own favoured brand are longer than those of your host, you will also ensure that he returns to the table before you.
Q. I have floor-length chintz curtains in our downstairs lavatory and it costs a fortune to have them dry-cleaned. I have four males in the household. What should I do?
J.V., London SW11
A. Take a tip from Cath Kidston and use clip-on rings to hang matching colourful beach towels as bathroom curtains. This laundry-friendly option is superior to sheathing the chintz in garden refuse sacks as is the practice of one well-known Balham mother of boys.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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