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Q. I would welcome your help with a difficult social situation in which I found myself recently. I was attending a meeting that was preceded by a wine reception. On entering the reception room I spied a glamorous and elegant female colleague, went over to greet her and kissed her on the cheek. She was talking to another not instantly recognisable lady whom I quickly ascertained was a contemporary who I know equally well, but who until recently had been, as they say, a woman trapped in a man’s body. The change was now complete and she was in her full glory. In these circumstances was it appropriate for me to greet her, having recognised her, in the same way as I had my other friend? This is what I did but I found it rather awkward, as this was the first time I had met her in her new identity. What is correct form in these circumstances? A handshake seems a little formal having just rubbed cheeks with my other friend.
J.W., Woking
A. The correct form is to treat the transformed person as a member of the sex to which they aspire to belong. Fortunately you did the right thing by instinct.
Q. Further to the problem (31 July) of the lady who wished to avoid travelling to bridge parties with an alarming driver, I have the opposite problem. I am almost the only person at my university who does not drink so I am constantly being asked to chauffeur everyone around in my car. I don’t mind that much but petrol is very expensive now and because all my friends are so drunk they usually forget to contribute towards it. Next term how can I jog their memories or abdicate from the chauffeur role without being a bore?
Name withheld, Edinburgh
A. Find a two-seater car which is more fuel-efficient than your vehicle. Tell your friends you are thinking of swapping for budgetary reasons. If the penny does not drop then go ahead and swap for a two-seater. At least you will have the pleasure of one-to-one contact as you hit the social circuit.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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