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•••
A familiar-looking visitor came round the house the other day. She works for the Today show on NBC and wanted to ask me about my new book — which is based on my health advice columns in the Sunday Times and Rolling Stone. When I was done telling her about the side-effects of psychedelic toads and the odds of being killed by falling coconuts, I became convinced that we’d met somewhere before. And then, as she was leaving, Sharon whispered in my ear, ‘That’s President Bush’s youngest daughter — Jenna!’ My jaw hit the floor like a sack of f***ing potatoes. A lovely girl, actually. And I’m always impressed when kids of the rich and famous go off and make careers on their own. It’s easy to say, ‘Oh, they can get anything they want, they’re the daughter of so-and-so,’ but actually, people can hold that stuff against you, and it must be very tempting just to sit at home living off your parents’ dough. I bumped into Jenna’s old man once, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2002, when The Osbournes show was still on the air. I told him to grow his hair like mine, and he replied, ‘Second term, Ozzy. Second term.’
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If there’s one thing more unlikely than me swapping health tips with the Bush family, it’s me giving the best man’s speech at a wedding. But that’s what I had to do last Sunday when my personal assistant, Tony Dennis, got married on a yacht in Los Angeles. I’ve never been so nervous. It’s one thing singing ‘Paranoid’ in front of half a million headbangers, but it’s something else to entertain a roomful of people in frocks and bow ties with your witty anecdotes. Anyway, I got through it, sort of — mainly because Tony’s been the best friend I’ve ever had, so I didn’t have to bullshit. Tony’s first job with me was as a bag-carrier, which he got because he was such a huge fan. He used to follow us everywhere — even sleeping in telephone boxes when we went on tour. Eventually, he was promoted to bringing me refreshments on stage, in a full suit of armour. After that, he became my assistant, the job he still has today. I think the main reason we get along so well is his Geordie accent. It means I haven’t got a clue what he’s on about half the time — and he says the same thing about me.
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Now it looks like my son Jack might also be about to tie the knot. Already, people are coming up to me and asking, ‘What advice are you gonna give him, since you and Sharon have been together so long?’ All I can say is that I’m still very much in love with Sharon. It’s no more complicated than that — I just am. Having said that, when you’ve been on a 40-year-long bender, your memory tends to suffer, so cheating isn’t a practical option. It’s all very well when a natural-born con man decides to play a few away-games. If I tried it, I’d forever be in the wrong house at the wrong time, calling some poor woman by the wrong name.
Trust Me, I’m Dr Ozzy, by Ozzy Osbourne and Chris Ayres, is published this week by Sphere, priced £9.99.
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