Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 24 February 2007

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  Tamzin Lightwater

  Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 24 February 2007

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

Tuesday

Panic stations. It’s chaos in here. We don’t want to take anything for granted but let’s face it, we are going to win the next election.  Mr Maude gave a v interesting presentation on how 42 per cent does not in fact translate into a 144-seat majority — ‘very far from it!’ — but rather lands us in the wilderness for another ten years. Something to do with marginal boundary change slippage.

Unfortunately nobody would stay quiet and listen, and Poppy and Tom were singing ‘We’re coming home, we’re coming home, we’re coming …Tories coming home…’ Mr Maude got v upset and stormed out with his presentation slides flapping all over the place. Then Jed got cross and told us all we better ‘raise our game or they’ll be some lastminute substitutions round here…’ He’s been sitting in his office all afternoon typing furiously. The ‘Policy Makers at Work’ sign is hanging on the door. He hasn’t had that up since the police questioned Blair.

Wednesday

Jed didn’t go home last night. He was still in his office this morning, sleeping under a mountain of ripped-up paper. Poppy says it’s the latest draft of Dave’s First 100 days, his Master Plan. Nobody is allowed to go near him until he’s nailed it. We even have to leave his skinny mochas outside the door.

Everyone tickled pink at my marriage conversion. Nigel said, ‘Welcome to the smug club!’ Been working flat out and have come up with a heap of new evidence. For example, only one in four drug dealers is in a committed relationship. Is it any wonder they’ve turned to crime? They probably don’t know what it is to come home to a hot meal in the evening. It is too, too shocking. (God, it feels good to be back on message. Now I just need a husband.)

Thursday

Have discovered the Master Plan! It was underneath a Scooby Doo yoga mat in the Tranquillity Room. ‘Day One: Overturn hunting ban. Day Two: Abolish stamp duty on shares. Day Three:’ The rest of the sheet was blank. Jed can’t have printed it off properly.