Diary of a Nottting Hill Nobody

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  Tamzin Lightwater

  Diary of a Nottting Hill Nobody

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

Anyway, can’t think about that now. Am off to King’s Road to buy the special outfits Dave wants us to wear for campaigning in Crewe and Nantwich. Have been given huge budget to splash out on something really super. Should put paid to rumours we are just a load of posh people. What are ‘tarpaulin toffs’ anyway? What have we to do with camping equipment? Not much, I would have thought. Still, that’s Labour ignorance for you.

Tuesday

Bit of a disappointment this morning. Only 20 points ahead in the polls. We had to slump some time I suppose. On the plus side, the outfits are a dream! Tight blue tops which say ‘Bluebirds’, blue gym pants and blue and white cheerleader pom poms — so adorable! All the girls are going to want to canvass now, no matter how far up north Crewe is (must look on map). Can’t wait to tell them about the special dance routine.

Another Post Gordon planning meeting. Jed wants to restart the Miliband unit. Gave us long talk about being ready for an attack of the Mekon, whatever that is. Later he put out a memo asking us not to forget that the evil and emotionless ruler of the Treens was defeated by the public-school-educated Dan Dare. I definitely need to read more history books.

Wednesday

Only three people have put their names down for cheerleader duty, two of whom I seriously doubt can do a cartwheel. Poppy reckons some of the girls are not keen on wearing the gym pants. How strange.

Big huddle on whether Dave and Sam should appear on the next season of Mr & Mrs. Gary’s instinct is to go for it. Jed thinks it might look cheap. As Gary said, cheap never did Tony any harm. And we do need more chav appeal now that Boris is making things difficult for us by being an Old Etonian London Mayor.

OK so he’s popular — apparently more popular than Dave if the so-called opinion polls are to be believed. But are people really that deliriously excited about him? I mean, he’s just a guy with blond hair for goodness sake. No need to get hysterical about it. Well, not that hysterical anyway.

Thursday

Oh dear. Poor Mr Lansley managed to come out in support of the only Labour amendment on abortion — and he had four Tories ones to chose from! He is a chump!

Captain Smithy demanding to speak to Dave but Jed gave us specific instructions — anyone who puts him through is on weekend duty till the general election. Now he says he’s ‘coming right over’. Have activated the email alert. Just hope everyone gets it in time to evacuate.