Melissa Kite

‘I’m going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say…’

Can banks just drop all the 'pleasantries' when you call them?

• From magazine issue: 19 October 2013

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  Melissa Kite

  ‘I’m going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say…’

  

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Are you ready for my passcode?’

‘Er well, now, we will come to that. But, you see, what we do, in fact, ask you to do first, at this stage, is confirm whether or not you have a five-digit passcode — that’s before we proceed to asking you what the digits of that passcode actually are.’ I swear, he said that.

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I understand. You have to ask me if I have a passcode before you ask me what it is.’

‘That is correct, yes.’

‘Go on then.’

‘Do you have a passcode?’

‘I do.’

Seriously, I could have married the guy quicker. I could have got a vicar round, put the phone on speaker and been legally bound in wedlock to Gavin Moneypenny, not that he’d want me given how unpleasant I was being.

‘So, Miss Kite, if I could now ask you, then, to give me the first digit of that five-digit…’

‘Three.’

‘Three…did you say? Three…lovely. Three. Now…’ Sound of typing in the background…‘Now. If I could just now ask you what… the…fourth digit in that five-digit passcode that you have there now is…please, Miss Kite…if you wouldn’t mind…’

‘Finished? Right, it’s also three.’

‘Three. That’s…three again…super. That’s…just…one  moment…that’s…three…there we… go! Now…’

A tip. If you interrupt Gavin Moneypenny because patience is not your strong suit and you fear your carotid artery is going to burst if he drags the processing of your fourth digit out any longer, then it will only make things worse. Because if you interrupt Gavin Moneypenny, he will go backwards.

For example: ‘Now, can I just say thank you very much for going through security with us today, Miss Kite. And now that you are through security…’

‘Is there much more of this?’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Can we move things along? I’m in a hurry.’

‘Oh dear, yes, certainly, Miss Kite, I quite understand. Absolutely. I’m now going to move things along as quickly as I can, for you there, Miss Kite. So, first of all, can I just say thank you very much for bearing with me and going through security with us today, even though you’re in a hurry, there, yourself, and now that you are through that security process with us, here, today, Miss Kite, can I now just ask you how may I be of help to you?’

The more you object to the verbage, the further back in the conversation he will go. If you are especially impatient, Gavin Moneypenny will go right back to saying ‘Hello, good morning’.

Because you cannot beat the system. You cannot beat the system when it is being horrible to you. And you cannot beat the system when it is being ‘nice’.