Melissa Kite
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I still don’t know the precise schedule of dilapidations the accident-fakers have submitted.
I will hazard a guess that they are not claiming anything less than total and utter decrepitude brought on by the impact of my two-seater Peugeot not quite hitting their people-carrier. Every single screw has probably popped out of his spine leaving him unable to do a stroke of work for the rest of his natural life. I wait with bated breath to find out.
The lawyer working for Aviva who rang to update me said she couldn’t go into more details yet, but she wanted to inform me that as the reports are in, we are now in a position to hold a conference with the barrister handling my case.
‘I have a barrister?’ I asked. ‘Yes,’ said the lawyer, ‘we’ve appointed a barrister in London to co-ordinate things.’ ‘You’re co-ordinating things?’
It seems Aviva is now taking this case seriously. It is going to contest it in court. It has appointed the top man in the field of disputed accident claims to defend me.
A meeting has been arranged to discuss strategy. Aviva representatives are travelling from Manchester to London to attend. Personally, I don’t think you can have enough lawyers when you are fighting people who claim to have screws popping out of their spine, so I am asking my gay best friend Stephen, a solicitor, to come along too.
I’ve been hyping Stephen up, telling him that we are going to fight this case on behalf of swindled motorists everywhere.
‘Goddam it,’ I say, when I call him, ‘we are going to take this all the way. They will change the law after we’re done. We will set a precedent. Kite versus Slobs will be a test case that law students the world over learn about.
‘We will be like Julia Roberts and Albert Finney in Erin Brockovich. Only you will be slightly more fey and I won’t wear denim mini-skirts. What should I wear? Something serious yet eye-catching. After all, I am going to make the longest, most impassioned speech in British legal history. By the way, when can we start working on my speech?’
‘Can I get back to you?’ says Stephen, horizontally. ‘It’s just that I’m drafting a lease extension.’
That’s lawyers for you. But you can’t squeeze the excitement out of me.
Clearly, I am going to spark a class action involving every single motorist who has ever been swindled by a high premium. I also want to launch a counter-claim against someone — or everyone — for wasting my time and causing me to suffer from a syndrome of some description, such as post-disputed accident traumatic stress disorder.
Or maybe I will just get Aviva to reinstate my no-claims discount. Whatever happens, I am going to enjoy this.
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