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LAUGHS
The reverse sniff: this brief puff of air from the nose is no more than a small, audible smile. It acknowledges, with minimal effort, some humour in a situation.
The sharp breath out: this needs more diaphragm work and is often accompanied by a slight backward jerk of the head. It commonly expresses amused disbelief.
The segmented hiss: perhaps people who use this voiceless sibilance were taught that it’s rude to laugh out loud. It is, though, an encouraging listener’s laugh.
The interwoven: by interlarding and concluding a narrative with laughs the speaker is pleading for a matched response. The equivalent of repeated exclamation marks in a letter.
The push-button: triggered by certain words, often names, normally political. One step up from canned laughter but still a dehydrated version of the real thing.
The jungle beast: the over-loud, explosive laugh used by men in groups, subconsciously vying for dominance.
W.J. Webster
FISHERMEN
There is the fisherman who catches fish, but tells no one. He is happy in himself. There is the fisherman who catches fish, and tells his friends. He is happy in himself and happy in his friends. There is the fisherman who catches fish and tells the world. He is happy in himself, and does not notice the world’s indifference. There is the fisherman who does not catch fish, but knows why. He keeps quiet, and is happy in himself. There is the fisherman who does not catch fish, does not know why, and asks his friends. He is only happy after the fourth glass of their single malt. But what a tragedy is visited upon the fisherman who does not catch fish, does not know why, has no friends to ask, and cannot find the reason in any of his 130 books on fishing.
William Danes-Volkov
PUNTERS
There are six types of punter, all present at every racecourse. First, the ‘Careful Gambler’, stake money budgeted carefully as housekeeping, ‘breaking even’ his idea of winning. Next, the ‘Student of Form’, fingers inky with statistics, ably marshalling historical evidence proving his selection should’ve won. Not unrelated is the ‘Inside Tracker’, privy to tips from the beer-bribed stable lads of Lambourn and able to translate the gnomic utterance of an unforthcoming trainer into something worth wagering your shirt on. There’s something almost mystical about the feeling in the bones of the ‘Intuitive Punter’, whose unaccountable hunches are all about faith and just as rarely rewarded. All are in awe of the ‘Professional Gambler’, who turns up for just one race, stakes thousands on a losing favourite and leaves without breaking sweat. All, that is, except ‘Lady Luck’, whose flutters on pretty names, greys and the number 3 invariably, infuriatingly, pay off.
Adrian Fry
CUSTOMERS
The first type of supermarket checkout customer is the lady who seems surprised by the concept of paying, and spends ages looking for her purse. The second is the very old lady who transfers her purchases very slowly, making you angry with her for the wait and with yourself for being mean, and curious as to why she has precisely 19 tins of cat food. The third type exclaims, ‘I forgot the onions’, dashes off for long minutes, and returns with a cucumber. Fourth are the students (always two) who argue with each other over their beans, bread and vodka about who is paying what, and whether Charlie already gave them his share. Fifth is the parent, whose child will delay matters further by up-ending a carton of cream on to the conveyor. The sixth type, yourself, is defined as the one who always has five slow buggers in front.
Brian Murdoch
No. 2418: Bouts rimés
You are invited to write a poem with the following rhymes in this order: holiday, skin, grey, sin, inn, prey, in, away, fate, gone, fulfilled, wait, shone, thrilled. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2418’ by 10 November.
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