Toby Young

Status Anxiety | 19 April 2008

In which my efforts to be a defender of the weak against criminals go awry

• From magazine issue: 19 April 2008

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  Toby Young

  Status Anxiety | 19 April 2008

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Alexander Larman

What happened to the Rishi Sunak I knew at school?

‘Nah, mate,’ said the taller of the two men. ‘Best not to get involved. One of ’em could ’ave a knife.’

He was right, of course, but at this point I had already decided to do something: I had made the decision when I had opened my front door. In any case, I thought, if the two youths turn on me, then my neighbours will be forced to ‘get involved’ whether they feel inclined to or not.

‘What the hell’s going on,’ I shouted, stepping out into the street.

‘She robbed me of ten pound,’ said one of the two youths, holding the woman by the wrist.

‘Yeah,’ said the other. ‘She took ten pound off ’im and stuck it down ’er bra.’

‘No I never,’ screamed the woman. ‘You’re a f***in’ liar.’

At this point, she took advantage of the distraction to break free. I hoped she would run off down the street, but instead she darted behind me and clung to my back.

‘Please,’ she said, ‘don’t let them do nothin’.’

The two youths stood in the road, sizing me up. At first, I had assumed they were lying about the ten pounds, but now that I could see them more clearly they looked quite respectable. And had they been sexually assaulting her? Or merely trying to force their hands into her bra to get back what they claimed was their money? The woman, on the other hand, was not at all respectable. She was drunk and smelt of urine.

‘So this is all over ten pounds,’ I said.

‘Yeah,’ said the first boy.

‘OK then, if I just give you ten pounds, will you leave her alone?’

At this point, I heard a snort of derision from one of my neighbours. They clearly thought this was incredibly wet of me.

‘Yeah, I s’pose,’ said the youth.

I put my hand in my pocket, but I did not have anything smaller than a 20.

‘Er, you don’t have any change, do you?’ I said, holding up a note.

‘Get it off ’er,’ said the youth, snatching the 20 out of my hand.

‘F*** off,’ said the woman.

As the two youths disappeared round the corner, I heard my neighbour’s door slam shut: more derision. I was all alone with the woman.

‘What d’you go and do a thing like that for?’ she asked. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she added: ‘Can I ’ave 20 pound, too?’

‘Certainly not,’ I said, and went back into my house.